＾ comfortable Eleven that's been equiped with a movie screen and there are seats. which are comfortable. I try to persuade myself to just have a diet soda., The smell As t ＾dripping with butter of fresh popcorn soon overcomes me. My friends are as bad as I am. Choclate ＾ my risk pulling out my fillings as I chew bars seem to jump into your hands. I am eating enormous mouthfuls of milk ＾ ＾ disgusted duds. By the time I leave the theater I feel out of sorts with myself. ＾ Comment Diane made her changes in longhand as she worked on the second draft. As you will see when you complete the activity below, her revision serves to make the paragraph more unified, better supported, and better organized.
Exercise:
Fill in the missing words.
1. To achieve better organization, Diane adds at the beginning of the paragraph the transitional phrase \ \2. Diane also adds the transition \to show clearly the difference between being at home and being in the theater.
3. In the interest of (unity, support, organization) _____________________ , Diane crosses out the sentence \______________________________________ \realizes this sentence is not a relevant detail but really another topic.
4. To add more (unity, support, organization) _______________________ , Diane changes \\changes \__________________________________ \she adds \changes \
5. In the interest of eliminating wordiness, she removes the words \ ________________________ \
6. In the interest of parallelism, Diane changes \ __________________________________ \
7. For greater sentence variety, Diane combines two short sentences, beginning the first sentence with the subordinating word \
8. To create a consistent point of view, Diane changes \“ .” 9. Finally, Diane replaces the vague \“ .”
Editing: A Student Model
After typing into her word-processing file all the changes in her second draft, Diane printed out another clean draft of the paper. The paragraph on tempting snacks required almost no more revision, so Diane turned her attention mostly to editing changes, illustrated below with her work on the second supporting paragraph:
Second, the theater offers tempting snacks I really don't need. Like most of us I have to battle an expanding waistline. At home I do pretty well by simply not buying stuff that is bad for me. I can make do with snacks like celery and carrot sticks because there is no ice cream in the freezer.
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Going
to the theater,however, is like spending my evening in a Seven-Eleven
that's
been equiped with a movie screen and comfortable seats. As I try to persuade ＾ Coke equipped with myself to just have a diet soda, the smell of fresh popcorn dripping ＾Chocolate the size of small automobiles butter soon overcomes me. Choclotc bars seem to jump into my hands. I risk ＾ ＾ M D pulling out my fillings as I chew enormous mouthfuls of milk duds. By the time I leave the theater, l feel disgusted with myself.
Comment
Once again, Diane makes her changes in longhand right on the printout of her paper. To note these changes, complete the activity below. Exercise:
Fill in the missing words.
1. As part of her editing, Diane checked and corrected the _________________________________ of two words, equipped and chocolate.
2. She added _____________ to set off two introductory phrases (\sentence and \the time I leave the theater\in the final sentence) and also to set off the interrupting word however in the fifth sentence.
3. She realized that \________________________________ to make it \
4. And since revision can occur at any stage of the writing process, including editing, she makes one of her details more vivid by adding the descriptive words \
6. Review Activities
You now have a good overview of the writing process, from prewriting to first draft to revising to editing. The remaining chapters in Part One will deepen your sense of the four goals of effective writing: unity, support, organization or coherence, and sentence skills.
To reinforce the information about the writing process that you have learned in this chapter, you can now work through the following activities: 1 2 3 4
Taking a writing inventory Prewriting Outlining Revising
1. Prewriting
Exercise:
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On the following pages are examples of how the five prewriting techniques could be used to develop the topic \(for freewriting), Q (for questioning), L (for list-making), C (for clustering), or SO (for the scratch outline) in the answer space. ________ Never enough time
Miss campus parties
Had to study (only two free hours a night) Give up activities with friends No time to rewrite papers
Can't stay at school to play video games or talk to friends Friends don't call me to go out anymore
Sunday no longer relaxed day—have to study Missing sleep I should be getting
Grades aren't as good as they could be Can't watch favorite TV shows Really need the extra money
Tired when I sit down to study at nine o'clock
_________
What are some of the problems of combining Schoolwork suffers because I don't have time to work and school? study or rewrite papers. I've had to give up things I enjoy, like sleep and touch football. I
can't get into the social life at college, because I have to work right after class.
How have these problems changed my life? My grades aren't as good as they were when I didn't work. Some of my friends have stopped
calling me. My relationship with a girl I liked fell apart because I couldn't spend much time with her. I miss TV.
What do I do in a typical day? I get up at 7 to make an 8 a.m. class, i have classes till 1:30, and then I drive to the
supermarket where I work. I work till 7 p.m., and then I drive home and eat dinner. After I take a shower and relax for a half hour, it's about 9. This gives me only a couple of hours to study—read textbooks, do math exercises, write essays. My eyes start to close well before I go to bed at 11.
Why do I keep up this schedule? I can't afford to go to school without working, and I need a degree to get the accounting job I
want. If I invest my time now, I'll have a better future.
________ Juggling a job and college has created major difficulties in my life. 1. Little time for studying a. Not reading textbooks b. No rewriting papers c. Little studying for tests
2. Little time for enjoying social side of college a. During school b. After school
3. No time for personal pleasures a. Favorite TV shows b. Sunday football games c. Sleeping late
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__________
__________
It's hard working and going to school at the same time. I never realized how much I'd have to give up. I won't be quitting my job because I need the money. And the people are friendly at the place where I work. I've had to give up a lot more than I thought. We used to play touch football games every Sunday. They were fun and we'd go out for drinks afterwards. Sundays now are for catch-up work with my courses. I have to catch up because I don't get home every day until 7, I have to eat dinner first before studying. Sometimes I'm so hungry I just eat cookies or chips. Anyway, by the time I take a shower it's 9 P.M. or later and I'm already feeling tired. I've been up since 7 A.M. Sometimes I write an English paper in twenty minutes and don't even read it over. I feel that I'm missing out on a lot in college. The other day some people I like were sitting in the cafeteria listening to music and talking. I would have given anything to stay and not have to go to work. I almost called in sick. I used to get invited to parties, I don't much anymore. My friends know I'm not going to be able to make it, so they don't bother. I can't sleep late on weekends or watch TV during the week.
2. Outlining
As is already mentioned, outlining is central to writing a good paper. An outline lets you see, and work on, the bare bones of a paper, without the distraction of a clutter of words and sentences. It develops your ability to think clearly and logically. Outlining provides a quick check on whether your paper will be unified. It also suggests right at the start whether your paper will be adequately supported. And it shows you how to plan a paper that is well organized.
The following two exercises will help you develop the outlining skills so important to planning and writing a solid essay.
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