The following text is extracted from Marriages and Families by Nijole V.Benokraitis.
下面的文章选自奈杰尔贝诺克瑞提斯的婚姻与家庭。
The book has been used as a textbook for sociology courses and women's studies in a number of universities in the United States.
此书在美国的一些大学里被用作社会学和妇女研究等课程的教材， It highlights important contemporary changes in society and the family 它强调了在当代社会和家庭中所发生的重要变化，
and explores the choices that are available to family members, 探索了家庭成员所面临的选择，
as well as the constraints that many of us do not recognize. 以及我们很多人都还未意识到的种种约束。
It examines the diversity of American families today, 该书还审视了当今美国家庭的多样性，
using cross-cultural and multicultural comparisons
运用跨文化和多元文化的比较，
to encourage creative thinking about the many critical issues that confront the family of the twenty-first century.
以激发创造性思维来研究21世纪家庭所面临的许多严峻问题。 LOVE AND LOVING RELATIONSHIPS 爱和情感连系 Nijole V.Benokraitis
奈杰尔·贝诺克瑞提斯
Love — as both an emotion and a behavior — is essential for human survival. 爱，对于人类的生存是不可或缺的。它既是一种情感，又是一种行为。
The family is usually our earliest and most important source of love and emotional support. 家庭通常是我们最早和最重要的爱和情感支持的来源。
Babies and children deprived of love have been known to develop a wide variety of problems 众所周知，缺乏爱的婴幼儿会产生各种各样的问题，
— for example, depression, headaches, physiological imppairments, and neurotic and psychosomatic difficulties
如抑郁症、头痛、生理残疾、神经质或身心疾病， — that sometimes last a lifetime. 这些病有时会伴随他们一生。
In contrast, infants who are loved and cuddled typically gain more weight, cry less, and smile more.
而对比之下，拥有爱和拥抱的婴儿通常体重增加得快，哭得少，而笑得多。
By five years of age, they have been found to have significantly higher IQs and to score higher on language tests.
到了五岁时，他们的智商和语言测试的分数明显比前一类儿童高得多。
Much research shows that the quality of care infants receive affects how they later get along with friends,
很多研究发现婴儿获得关爱的质量会影响到他们以后的交友， how well they do in school, 在学校的表现，
how they react to new and possibly stressful situations, 如何应对陌生的或可能充满压力的情况，
and how they form and maintain loving relationships as adults. 以及他们成年后如何建立并且维系情感连系。 It is for these reasons
正是因为这些原因，
that people's early intimate relationshios within their family of origin are so critical. 人们与家庭成员的早期亲密关系才如此至关重要。 Children who are raised in impersonal environments（orphanage, some foster homes, or unloving families）
在人情冷漠的环境中(如孤儿院，某些寄养家庭，或缺乏关爱的家庭)长大的孩子 show emotional and social underdevelopment, 会出现情感和社会性发育不良， language and motor skills retardation, 语言和运动技能迟缓， and mental health problems.
以及精神健康问题。
Love for oneself, or self-love, 对自己的爱，或者说自爱，
is also essential for our social and emotional development. 对我们的社会性和情感发展也是至关重要的。 Actress Mae West once said,
女演员梅·韦斯特曾说过，
“I never loved another person the way I loved myself.” “我从没有像爱自己那样爱过别人。”
Although such a statement may seem self-centered, 虽然这样的话听起来似乎有些以自我为中心， it's actually quite insightful. 实际上却是相当有见地。
Social scientists describe self-love as an importants basis for self-esteem.
社会学家将自爱描述为自尊的一个重要基础。
Among other things, people who like themselves are more open to criticism and less demanding of others.
从别的方面来说，自我喜欢的人更乐于接受批评，对别人的要求也不那么苛刻。 Formm（1956） saw self-love as a necessary prerequisite for loving others. 弗罗姆(1956)认为自爱是爱别人的先决条件。
People who don't like themselves may not be able to return love 不喜欢自己的人也许不懂得回报爱，
but may constantly seek love relationships to bolster their own poor self-images. 而却有可能不停地寻找爱的关系来改变卑微的自我形象。 But just what is love？ 那么到底什么是爱?
What brings people together？ 是什么让人们走到一起?
Love is an elusive concept.
爱是一个难以描述的概念。
We have all experienced love and feel we know what it is; 我们都经历过爱，觉得我们知道爱是什么， however, when asked what love is,
然而当被问到什么是爱时， people give a variety of answers. 人们给出的答案却不尽相同，
According to a nine-year-old boy, for example,
比如一个九岁的男孩说，
“Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” “爱像雪崩，你必须快跑才能活命。”
What we mean by love depends on whether we are talking about love for family members, friends, or lovers.
爱对我们来说意味着什么，这取决于我们所指的是家人之间、朋友之间还是恋人之间的爱。 Love has been a source of inspiration, wry witticisms, and even political action for many centuries.
几百年来爱都是灵感、俏皮的揶揄、甚至是政治活动的来源。 Love has many dimensions. 爱有很多层面，
It can be romantic, exciting, obsessive, and irrational.
它可能是浪漫的，令人激动的，让人着迷的，或者是非理性的。 It can also be platonic, calming, altruistic, and sensible.
它也可能是柏拉图式的，令人平静的，无私的，或者理智的。 Many researchers feel that love defies a single definition
许多研究者觉得爱没有一个唯一的定义，
because it varies in degree and intensity and across social contexts.
它有程度和强度之分，并且跨越了社会背景。
At the very least, three elements are necessary for a loving relationship: 拥有恋爱关系至少需要具备三个元素：
(1) a willingness to please and accommodate the other person, enen if this involves compromise and sacrifice;
1)愿意取悦和迁就另一方，即使需要妥协或牺牲；
(2) an acceptance of the other person's faults and shortcomings; 2)能接受另一方的错误和缺点；
and (3) as much concern about the loved one's welfare as one's own. 3)关心爱人的幸福像关心自己一样。
And, people who say they are “in love” emphasize caring, intimacy, and commitment. 而且，说自己“处于恋爱中”的人们重视相互之间的关心、亲密和忠诚。 In any type of love, caring about the other person is essential. 不管是哪种类型的爱，关心另一方是非常必要的。
Although love may involve passionate yearning, respect is more important quality. 虽然爱可能包含激情的渴望，然而相互尊重才是更重要的品质。 Respect is inherent in all love:
相互尊重是所有爱的共性：
“I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, “我想要我爱的人为他自己成长发展， and in his own ways,
并且用他自己的方式，
and not for the purpose of serving me”. 而不是为了迎合我。”
If respect and caring are missing, the relationship is not based on loved. 如果没有尊重和关怀，两人的关系就不是建立在爱的基础上； Instead, it is an unhealthy or possessive dependency
反而成为一种不健康的或者是具有占有欲的依赖，
that limits the lovers' social, emotional, and intellectual growth.
而这会限制爱的双方在社会、情感和智力方面的发展。 Love, especially long-term love,爱，特别是长久的爱，
has nothing in common with images of love or frenzied sex that we get from Hollywood, television, and romance novels.
和我们从好莱坞、电视、或爱情小说中获得的对爱和狂热的性爱的印象完全不同。 Becaues of these images, many people believe a variety of myths about love. 由于这些印象的缘故，许多人对爱有各种各样的误解，
These misconceptions often lead to unrealistic expectations, stereotypes, and disillusionment. 这些误解常常会导致不现实的期望、固定模式或幻觉破灭。
In fact, “real” love is closer to what one author called “stirring-the-oatmeal love”（Johnson, 1985）. 事实上，“真”爱更接近于一位作家(约翰逊，1995)所称的“搅燕麦粥之爱”。 This type of love is neither exciting nor thrilling 这种爱既不令人激动也不能令人兴奋， but is relatively mundane and unromantic.
但是它却是实实在在的，不浪漫的。
It means paying bills, putting out the garbage, scrubbing toilet bowls, being up all night with a sick baby,
它是付账单，倒垃圾，刷马桶，孩子生病时守夜，
and performing myriad other “oatmeal” tasks that are not very sexy.
以及完成其他各种各样不那么性感的“搅燕麦粥”的任务。 Some partners take turns stirring the oatmeal. 有些伴侣们轮流来“搅燕麦粥”，
Other people seek relationships that offer candlelit gourmet meals in a romantic setting. 其他人则寻求一种能带来浪漫的烛光美餐的恋爱关系。 Whether we decide to enter a serious relationship or not, 不管我们是否决定建立认真的恋爱关系， what type of love brings people together？ 是什么样的爱让我们走到一起?
What attracts individuals to each other in the first place？ 一开始让人相互吸引的是什么?
Many people believe that “there's one person out there that one is meant for”